Spike Milligan
Have A Nice Day by Spike Milligan

Have A Nice Day by Spike Milligan

'Help, help, ' said a man. 'I'm drowning.' 'Hang on, ' said a man from the shore. 'Help, help, ' said the man. 'I'm not clowning.' 'Yes, I know, I heard you before. Be patient ...

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The Lion by Spike Milligan

The Lion by Spike Milligan

If you're attacked by a LionFind fresh underpants to try onLay on the ground quite stillPretend you are very illKeep like that day after dayPerhaps the lion will go away

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Unto Us… by Spike Milligan

Unto Us… by Spike Milligan

Somewhere at some timeThey committed themselves to meAnd so, I was!Small, but I WAS!Tiny, in shapeLusting to liveI hung in my pulsing cave.Soon they knew of meMy mother --my ...

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Granny by Spike Milligan

Granny by Spike Milligan

Through every nook and every crannyThe wind blew in on poor old GrannyAround her knees, into each ear(And up nose as well, I fear)All through the night the wind grew worseIt ...

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The Abc by Spike Milligan

The Abc by Spike Milligan

'Twas midnight in the schoolroomAnd every desk was shutWhen suddenly from the alphabet Was heard a loud "Tut-Tut!"Said A to B, "I don't like C;His manners are a lack.For all I ...

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Letters by Spike Milligan

Letters by Spike Milligan

I was thinking of letters,We all have a lot in our lifeA few good - a few sadBut mostly run of the mill-I suppose that's my faultFor writing to run of the mill people.I've never ...

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Contagion by Spike Milligan

Contagion by Spike Milligan

Elephants are contagious!Be careful how you tread.An Elephant that's been trodden onShould be confined to bed!Leopards are contagious too.Be careful tiny tots.They don't give you ...

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Mirror, Mirror by Spike Milligan

Mirror, Mirror by Spike Milligan

A young spring-tender girlcombed her joyous hair'You are very ugly' said the mirror.But,on her lips hunga smile of dove-secret loveliness,for only that morning had notthe blind ...

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A Silly Poem by Spike Milligan

A Silly Poem by Spike Milligan

Said Hamlet to Ophelia,I'll draw a sketch of thee,What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

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Bazonka by Spike Milligan

Bazonka by Spike Milligan

Say Bazonka every dayThat's what my grandma used to sayIt keeps at bay the Asian Flu'And both your elbows free from glue.So say Bazonka every day(That's what my grandma used to ...

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If I Could Write Words by Spike Milligan

If I Could Write Words by Spike Milligan

If I could write wordsLike leaves on an autumn forest floor,What a bonfire my letters would make.If I could speak words of water,You would drown when I said'I love you.'

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Me by Spike Milligan

Me by Spike Milligan

Born screaming small into this world-Living I am.Occupational therapy twixt birth and death-What was I before?What will I be next?What am I now?Cruel answer carried in the jesting ...

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Oojah-Ka-Piv by Spike Milligan

Oojah-Ka-Piv by Spike Milligan

The people who liveOn the Oojah-ka-PivStand around in bundles of nineWhen asked how it feelsThey reply 'Curried Eels'!Otherwise - everything's going fine!

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The Dog Lovers by Spike Milligan

The Dog Lovers by Spike Milligan

So they bought youAnd kept you in aVery good homeCental heatingTVA deep freezeA very good home-No one to take youFor that lovely long run-But otherwise'A very good home'They fed ...

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Feelings by Spike Milligan

Feelings by Spike Milligan

There must be a wound! No one can be this hurt and not bleed. How could she injure me so? No marks No bruise Worse! ...

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Omen Of Emptiness by Spike Milligan

Omen Of Emptiness by Spike Milligan

The clock has turned enoughto reach a planetLife is endless nightI hear wings beating inthe dark of my roomA giant Raven is waiting –for me to fall asleep.

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Jumbo Jet by Spike Milligan

Jumbo Jet by Spike Milligan

I saw a little elephant standing in my garden,I said 'You don't belong in here', he said 'I beg you pardon?',I said 'This place is England, what are you doing here?',He said 'Ah, ...

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When I Suspected by Spike Milligan

When I Suspected by Spike Milligan

There will be a time when it will end. Be it parting Be it death So each passing minute with you Pendulummed with sadness. So many times I looked long into ...

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My Sister Laura by Spike Milligan

My Sister Laura by Spike Milligan

My sister Laura's bigger than meAnd lifts me up quite easily.I can't lift her, I've tried and tried;She must have something heavy inside.

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Welcome Home by Spike Milligan

Welcome Home by Spike Milligan

Unaware of my crime they stood me in the dock. I was sentenced to life.... without her. Strange trial. No judge. No jury. I ...

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On The Ning Nang Nong by Spike Milligan

On The Ning Nang Nong by Spike Milligan

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! and the monkeys all say BOO! There's a Nong Nang Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots jibber jabber joo. On the Nong Ning ...

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Teeth by Spike Milligan

Teeth by Spike Milligan

English Teeth, English Teeth! Shining in the sun A part of British heritage Aye, each and every one. English Teeth, Happy Teeth! Always having fun Clamping down on bits of fish ...

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Go North, South, East, And West, Young Man by Spike Milligan

Go North, South, East, And West, Young Man by Spike Milligan

Drake is going west, ladsSo Tom is going EastBut tiny FredJust lies in bed,The lazy little beast.

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Indian Boyhood by Spike Milligan

Indian Boyhood by Spike Milligan

What happened to the boy I was?Why did he run away?And leave me old and thinking, likeThere'd been no yesterday?What happened then?Was I that boy?Who laughed and swam in the ...

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Goodbye S.S. by Spike Milligan

Goodbye S.S. by Spike Milligan

Go away girl, go away and let me pack my dreams Now where did I put those yesteryears made up with broken seams Where shall I sweep the pieces my God they still look new ...

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I Must Go Down To The Sea Again by Spike Milligan

I Must Go Down To The Sea Again by Spike Milligan

I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky;I left my shoes and socks there - I wonder if they're dry?

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Why? by Spike Milligan

Why? by Spike Milligan

American DetectivesNever remove their hatsWhen investigating murdersIn other people's flats.P.S. Chinese TecsAre far more dreaded!And they always appearBare-headed!

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Eurolove by Spike Milligan

Eurolove by Spike Milligan

I cannot and I will not No, I cannot love you less Like the flower to the butterfly The corsage to the dress She turns my love to dust my destination empty my beliefs ...

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Bump by Spike Milligan

Bump by Spike Milligan

Things that go 'bump' in the nightShould not really give one a fright.It's the hole in each earThat lets in the fear,That, and the absence of light!

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The Soldiers At Lauro by Spike Milligan

The Soldiers At Lauro by Spike Milligan

Young are our deadLike babies they lieThe wombs they blest onceNot healed dryAnd yet - too soonInto each spaceA cold earth fallsOn colder face.Quite still they lieThese fresh-cut ...

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Scorflufus by Spike Milligan

Scorflufus by Spike Milligan

There are many diseases,That strike people's kneeses,Scorflufus! is one by nameIt comes from the EastPacked in bladders of yeastSo the Chinese must take half the blame.There's a ...

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Maveric by Spike Milligan

Maveric by Spike Milligan

Maveric ProwlesHad Rumbling BowlesThat thundered in the night.It shook the bedrooms all aroundAnd gave the folks a fright.The doctor called;He was appalledWhen through his ...

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Two Children by Spike Milligan

Two Children by Spike Milligan

Two children (small), one Four, one Five,Once saw a bee go in a hive,They'd never seen a bee before!So waited there to see some more.And sure enough along they cameA dozen bees ...

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Orstralia by Spike Milligan

Orstralia by Spike Milligan

Orstralia – OrstraliaWe think of you each dayOrstralia – OrstraliaAt work or at play. We think of yew in the morningAnd in the evening tooWe even wake up at mid-nightSo that we ...

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Porridge by Spike Milligan

Porridge by Spike Milligan

Why is there no monumentTo Porridge in our land?It it's good enough to eat,It's good enough to stand!On a plinth in LondonA statue we should seeOf Porridge made in ScotlandSigned, ...

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There Are Holes In The Sky by Spike Milligan

There Are Holes In The Sky by Spike Milligan

There are holes in the skyWhere the rain gets inBut they're ever so smallThat's why the rain is thin.

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Halved by Spike Milligan

Halved by Spike Milligan

The essence of true beautyLingers in all-encompassing rainbowsOf your joy and laughterYou hold my hand and smileAs we ensconce ourselves in our world of fireOur love is all there ...

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Look At All Those Monkeys! by Spike Milligan

Look At All Those Monkeys! by Spike Milligan

Look at all those monkeysJumping in their cage.Why don't they all go out to workAnd earn a decent wage?How can you say such silly things,And you a son of mine?Imagine monkeys ...

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Summer Dawn by Spike Milligan

Summer Dawn by Spike Milligan

My sleeping children are still flying dreams in their goose-down heads. The lush of the river singing morning songs Fish watch their ceilings turn sun-white. The ...

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Pussy-Cat by Spike Milligan

Pussy-Cat by Spike Milligan

Pussy-catWhat are vices?Catching ratsAnd eating mices!

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Bongaloo by Spike Milligan

Bongaloo by Spike Milligan

'What is a Bongaloo, Daddy?''A Bongaloo, Son,' said I, 'Is a tall bag of cheesePlus a Chinaman's kneesAnd the leg of a nanny goat's eye.''How strange is a Bongaloo, Daddy?' 'As ...

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Down The Stream The Swans All Glide by Spike Milligan

Down The Stream The Swans All Glide by Spike Milligan

Down the stream the swans all glide;It's quite the cheapest way to ride.Their legs get wet,Their tummies wetter:I think after allThe bus is better

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I’M Walking Backwards For Christmas by Spike Milligan

I’M Walking Backwards For Christmas by Spike Milligan

I'm walking backwards for Christmas,Across the Irish Sea,I'm walking backwards for Christmas,It's the only thing for me.I've tried walking sideways,And walking to the front,But ...

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In The Land Of The Bumbley Boo by Spike Milligan

In The Land Of The Bumbley Boo by Spike Milligan

In the land of the Bumbley BooThe People are red white and blue,They never blow noses,Or ever wear closes,What a sensible thing to do!In the land of the Bumbley BooYou can buy ...

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So Fair Is She by Spike Milligan

So Fair Is She by Spike Milligan

So fair is she!So fair her faceSo fair her pulsing figureNot so fairThe maniacal stareOf a husband who's much bigger.

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Standing Room Only by Spike Milligan

Standing Room Only by Spike Milligan

This population explosionSaid Peter to St. PaulIs really getting far too muchJust look at the crowd in the hall.Even here, in HeavenThere isn't any roomI think the world could do ...

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Values ’67 by Spike Milligan

Values ’67 by Spike Milligan

Pass by citizendon't look left or rightKeep those drip dry eyes straight aheadA tree? Chop it down- it's a dangerto lightning!Pansies calling for water,Let 'em die- queer ...

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Philip Le Barr by Spike Milligan

Philip Le Barr by Spike Milligan

Philip Le Barr, Was knock down by a car, On the road to Mandalay.He was knocked down againBy a dust cart in SpainAnd again in Zanzibar.So, He travled at nightIn the pale moon ...

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A Combustible Woman From Thang by Spike Milligan

A Combustible Woman From Thang by Spike Milligan

A combustible woman from ThangExploded one day with a BANG!The maid then rushed inAnd said with a grin,'Pardon me, madam - you rang?'

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Emptiness by Spike Milligan

Emptiness by Spike Milligan

I've learned mine can't be filled,only alchemized. Many timesit's become a paragraph or a page.But usually I've hidden it,not knowing until too latehow enormous it grows in its ...

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